the day after Valentine's Day cup of tea
Last night I watched the film Eat, Love, Pray. This morning I went to the gallery and met my friend there for a conversation I'd been thinking about for a couple of weeks. A situation had emerged in which I had discovered that we had completely opposite thoughts about something which was very dear to me. The revelation had led me to visiting lots of interesting territories.
Thank goodness for Marshall Rosenberg and the locating feelings, needs and requests aspect of nvc! I spent a good week trying to locate the feelings and unmet needs which were energetically flowing! Feelings stormed through me from rage to anger and then to down-right indignancy. My needs expressed themselves brightly. Inclusion! Visibility! Respect! Understanding pleeaase!! and, oh, sigh - Fairness. I spent the next week completely dismantling and questioning my whole practice and way of being. I stepped forwards and met the glaring holes in my confidence the situation was revealing.
Everytime a strong feeling emerged with the recovery of the memory of the conversation I quickly moved in to see what its needs were. I was able to make requests to myself for more time, more appreciation, yet more appreciation and more play. Yay! Fun times ahead! What opportunities for self-nurturing this project was giving me!
Last night as I watched the film, I checked in again on how I was feeling. I was in no doubt that now I felt certainty and confidence. I also held a lot of confusion as to where my friend was at. But now I felt curious and alive more than anything.
The change was phenomenal. I was so glad I had taken my time to arrange speaking about it together. I noticed that although my needs were still for fairness and understanding, I had proven and knew that I could unconditionally give all these things to myself. This meant I could allow my friend to be wherever she was at with a genuine longing to try and understand. There was no rage or strong 'negative' feeling gnawing in me any more and I didn't perceive a blow, which had been my original perception. Plus, I felt so much gratitude for being able to heal this hole in my confidence which the situation had brought to the surface!
Thich Nhat Hanh has a wonderful quote on reconciliation: 'Reconciliation is to understand both sides. To go to one side and describe the suffering being endured by the other side, and then to go to the other side and describe the suffering being edured by the first side...' I remember this whenever I know I have a conflict of opinion with someone. I also remember I can listen to myself first so I don't demand anything from the other person. These words help me a lot. That the focus is on listening and understanding both parts.
My friend and I had a lovely cup of tea and a chat which brought deeper connection, love and closeness. We still have the same way of being, the same strength of both needing to express our preference, but neither feels threatened by the other. My concluding words were 'I still don't quite understand but I know it's really important to you to listen to yourself and I respect that.'
In time the insights and deeper understanding will come I'm sure. In the meantime we are able to sail on the same ship and hold our boundaries well and feel close to one another. No one needs to change or get approval from the other. Just be allowed to be who we are.
The perfect day after Valentine's Day cup of tea.
Thank goodness for Marshall Rosenberg and the locating feelings, needs and requests aspect of nvc! I spent a good week trying to locate the feelings and unmet needs which were energetically flowing! Feelings stormed through me from rage to anger and then to down-right indignancy. My needs expressed themselves brightly. Inclusion! Visibility! Respect! Understanding pleeaase!! and, oh, sigh - Fairness. I spent the next week completely dismantling and questioning my whole practice and way of being. I stepped forwards and met the glaring holes in my confidence the situation was revealing.
Everytime a strong feeling emerged with the recovery of the memory of the conversation I quickly moved in to see what its needs were. I was able to make requests to myself for more time, more appreciation, yet more appreciation and more play. Yay! Fun times ahead! What opportunities for self-nurturing this project was giving me!
Last night as I watched the film, I checked in again on how I was feeling. I was in no doubt that now I felt certainty and confidence. I also held a lot of confusion as to where my friend was at. But now I felt curious and alive more than anything.
The change was phenomenal. I was so glad I had taken my time to arrange speaking about it together. I noticed that although my needs were still for fairness and understanding, I had proven and knew that I could unconditionally give all these things to myself. This meant I could allow my friend to be wherever she was at with a genuine longing to try and understand. There was no rage or strong 'negative' feeling gnawing in me any more and I didn't perceive a blow, which had been my original perception. Plus, I felt so much gratitude for being able to heal this hole in my confidence which the situation had brought to the surface!
Thich Nhat Hanh has a wonderful quote on reconciliation: 'Reconciliation is to understand both sides. To go to one side and describe the suffering being endured by the other side, and then to go to the other side and describe the suffering being edured by the first side...' I remember this whenever I know I have a conflict of opinion with someone. I also remember I can listen to myself first so I don't demand anything from the other person. These words help me a lot. That the focus is on listening and understanding both parts.
My friend and I had a lovely cup of tea and a chat which brought deeper connection, love and closeness. We still have the same way of being, the same strength of both needing to express our preference, but neither feels threatened by the other. My concluding words were 'I still don't quite understand but I know it's really important to you to listen to yourself and I respect that.'
In time the insights and deeper understanding will come I'm sure. In the meantime we are able to sail on the same ship and hold our boundaries well and feel close to one another. No one needs to change or get approval from the other. Just be allowed to be who we are.
The perfect day after Valentine's Day cup of tea.
posted by carol day at
05:46
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